Grief is a different journey for everyone. Infact the first year after my Grandfather passed away it was like I was on Auto Pilot. I busied myself with work & immersed myself in studies. It wasn’t till the unveiling that all that grief I had been trying to run from caught up with me & hit me like a ton of bricks. My Grandfather was a very important person in my life & meant the world to me. Its only been 3 years but his absence is still felt & his presence sooo dearly missed. Since his tangi friends & family have spoken with me about the great send off he had etc… and it surprised me how much of it I didn’t remember, many aspects of that day are still a blur. I guess grief can do that & affects everyone differently. I decided to write about what I did remember & found it very cathartic & healing so I thought I’d share. They say when you share your experience it can let those who may be going through the same thing know, they are not alone. Though your journey may be different to mine the sense of loss is the same. Ka aroha xo Flax Roses. The Sun shone brilliantly in the clear blue sky without a cloud in sight. I stood dressed in my prettiest black dress, with a long vibrant purple jacket over top, my way of rebelling against the dress code of all black & the expectations of tradition. I could see him approving of that. Today was an important day and I knew I was expected to still make a good impression, how absurd that one would still be expected to do this! I had seen my reflection in the car window, how did my hair know to do as it was told when other days it would never sit right! My purple eye shadow & the swollen red rim of my eyes made the flecks of green stand out in my iris so that my hazel eyes sparkled like emeralds. My hair was straightened & left out to flow down my back & my makeup was flawless, how on a day like today could I have achieved this? I feel torn between making a good impression & feeling terrible. I close my eyes & recall what colour his were? Mine are the same colour as his, my heart shatters into a million pieces at the memory. Everything about this day felt like a lie. The Sun was shining, how dare it shine on a day like today, the way I was dressed, when I’d rather the soothing feel of my flannel pajamas….my makeup…… thank goodness for my makeup, my makeup to hide the devastation of the last two days. On any other day I would have been happy to look half decent like this, but today I felt like a fake. Today nothing about this day felt real. On the inside I was a whirl pool of black. My thoughts turned to the sea of people. I’m aware people are staring at me, I feel self conscious. I want to do him proud but also I want to cry loudly, I want to scream, I want to yell stop staring but instead, I sit quietly trying hard to strangle my pain from escaping. In the background there are men talking but they sound sooo far away, they are followed by the sweet melodious sound of women singing & ohhh the relief. I can feel the sense of loss in the words they are singing & for a short time I feel understood. Everyone is there & soon I’d be expected to kiss them and greet them all, even the ones I didn’t like! But I’m thankful they came…because of him. They are carrying him to the Van, family & friends stand on either side leaving a clear path for us to walk through. Two of my cousins begin to play their trumpets & for me it’s the last little reminder that it’s nearly time to say goodbye. I’m not ready for this, this is going too fast! But whether I like it or not the last goodbye is near. I know that he would have loved that my cousins had played for him. Their grandmother was his sister & one that he had been very close too. He often spoke of her alot during those last days. I mouth the words thank you as I walk past them playing. I’m sitting in the car, watching the tree’s and the houses go by. How did I get here? I see the dairy where he’d stop to buy me an ice cream my favorite goody goody gum drops. Memories come flooding back like a tsunami but it hurts to remember & I shut my eyes to block them. I don’t want to remember I don’t want to be reminded that they can’t ever happen again. I’m standing at the edge of the hole, I’m surrounded by my children who are holding on to me tightly and are sobbing their hearts out. I hear the painful soul wrenching wail of my Nan watching as her first love, her husband of 54 years, is being lowered into the ground, leaving….forever. A friend kisses my cheek & hands me a bunch of flax roses. I can only nod to show my appreciation as my words flow as tears instead. I examine & marvel at how beautifully woven they are, made especially for me. For me they explained how I felt about my Grandfather. Though he was not my biological father, he was no less a dad to me then these woven flowers were roses! My flax roses were better too they would last longer… How could my Grandad die? He had been the only father I knew, he helped shape my values and beliefs, he taught me the meaning of humble by being it, he taught me all I knew, he was my shelter from the storms, my shield, how could he leave? How could this kind hearted happy go lucky man who was a husband, a father a grandfather a great grandfather an Uncle a brother….die? He was still needed, my nan still needed him, I still needed him. Why him & not somebody else? he didn’t deserve to die! I stand at the foot of the hole and peer down. I see polished wood in the shape of a coffin. I try to tell myself this isn’t real and my granddads not in there, a wave of anxiety rushes over me as I think about my poor Grandad having to lay down there, in the dirt alone, worried about him being uncomfortable, feeling angry because he’s too precious too valuable to have to lie down there; reality punches me in chest & squeezes my heart, I find it hard to breathe & it feels like cold shadows are blocking out my sun. I quickly close my eyes and scan my memories to find his twinkly green eyes, they smile back at me reassuringly. I can almost hear him saying I’m not there anymore granddaughter it’s only an empty shell. I remember how he didn’t like to see people feel sad. I start to remember his silly jokes and his attempts to make me smile when I was feeling down. I remember our amazing conversations about whakapapa and the history of my people. I remember him being like sunshine and always making people smile. I remember how much he loved me & I start to feel the warmth of the sun again. Then I realize, If to have him back & keep him with us would mean he would have to suffer more pain, I couldn’t bare it. Such was his love for us, for his family that he did amazingly well to live with his health complications for as long as he did. In the end he was tired & he was in pain… although he tried to keep his suffering from us covering it up with a joke or a smile. I wouldn’t want him to have to suffer not one more minute or even another second. The legacy he left behind was one of Love & I know his memory will always live on. I stand at his feet and whisper I love you Grandad I’ll miss you so much, I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad but saying goodbye is just too hard. I start to sing ….You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you’ll never know dear, how much I love you, please don’t take my sunshine away…..I kiss the flax rose and let it fall on top of him. I hug my Nan & I hold her hand. She kisses her flax rose & lets it drop on top of her beloved & I hear her whisper goodbye my love….wait for me I’ll be home soon.